Lauren and Lisa

I attended a party with Jodie. Her friend was slightly inebriated and suggestable and Jodie mentioned that she might be susceptible to my charms, but it just didn’t feel right. Sometimes I wish I had less of a moral conscience and didn’t care so much about other people. Sometimes I wish they cared about me as much as I do them, but alas not.

I have a colleague/friend who we’ll call Cass. Cass knows a local celebrity on a friend basis. Cass thinks the celeb is cute. The celeb thinks Cass is cute. Neither of them will admit their feelings to one another, because honesty invites vulnerability and vulnerability leads to getting unintentionally (or intentionally) hurt. I can’t play mediator. I fawn too much over said celeb. Maybe I am gay.

The signs point indicate otherwise. I met a very handsome, slightly androgynous boy on a Monday. I hated myself for not getting his number. I knew he was gay, I could just tell. If I were to start a relationship with any man, I wanted it to be him. The Wednesday I attended a LGBT+ convention and met said boy there. It turns out that he was a girl. I got lost in the androgynous features she possessed. This means I am technically still straight, and definitely still sad.

At a recent party a redhead who fawns over my poetic ability, called me smart because I knew words such as “mediocre” and “insatiable”. She’s nice. I sometimes wish she and Dillan had gotten together. They fit so well, I just don’t understand what’s wrong, but that’s not my place to interfere. It was Dillan’s sister’s party. She just turned.

She’s kind of a bitch at times. When she is amongst her friends, she tends to think very highly of herself. I hate them in that group. I want to say, “Misery likes company,” but that is inaccurate. The broken attracts the broken is better. Alone, she is sweet and caring and kind.

One of her friends, who we’ll call Lauren, is rude too. I don’t mind her, because at certain moments it feels if I can see right into her soul; she is broken and crying out for help. When I walked up to her, she asked, “Where is your other half,” referring to Ritter, who I have a lot in common with. I’m not him though. But we are good together. Good in a bad way.

I started working in the same building as Ritter today. Over lunch he said that he hated it and that it kills creativity. I sometimes wonder how much I’ll give up to be financially secure, and thus purportedly happy, because that’s what I remember most of the shouting being about. But I learnt recently, and I told Cass at the same party we went to, “People will always fight, especially when they love each other. It doesn’t have to be about money; they will find something to argue about”.

I hope she quits her job and does something that makes her happy.

Someone who recently made me happy, and who I am ready for to break my heart, we’ll call Lisa. Lisa has beautiful eyebrows and a beautiful outlook on life and she makes me feel… more of a person. But I feel like a burden. One day I will stop being so downtrodden when something positive comes into my life and just pursue it with full passion. I wish I could write more about her, but I don’t know her. Her cousin has a pig she is looking after. We said we’d call ours Charlotte, or Bacon, or whichever name is funniest. I met her once and I’m already reading too much into our relationship. But how can I not? She seems eager to talk to me and always has something positive to say.

I’m tired.

-Charlton, 6 May 2019

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Posted on 6 Mei 2019, in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink. 1 Kommentaar.

  1. What were you hoping to gain by participating in an LGBBQ convention?

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