My favourite C-word on my second

A gentleman doesn’t kiss and tell.

But I want to.

“You said that was the last one.”
“I know,” I say, “I just can’t get enough of you.”
She smiles. The following few moments are a blank space in my memory. I pull away when I start thinking again.
“I’ve got to go soon,” she says coyly.

I’m more forgetful than I would like to be. Most days I can’t remember what she looks like. But her smile I remember. And her voice. And her smell, but only when it suddenly wafts pass me, and my thoughts are once again shift to her.

This is either going to go very well, or very badly. I won’t be sad in any case. The last few weeks have been heaven. She is not the answer to my prayers, but rather, someone to strengthen them. This is going to hurt so fucking good.

-Charlton, 14 May 2019

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Posted on 14 Mei 2019, in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink. 4 Kommentaar.

  1. It seems you’ve progressed quite a bit in terms of confidence and success with women. Has it brought you any lasting satisfaction though? There seems to be a recurring pattern of disappointment in your posts regarding relationships, and it is not dissimilar to that of several other individuals I know.

    • I think I’ve mentioned this somewhere, but I do not recall if it was in one of my own posts or rather a personal message I sent, in which I told someone I’m mentoring, “Forget women. Focus on your studies.” That is not a statement I do not believe in, but I do consider myself a bit of a hypocrite, because a nice smile or interesting sense of fashion has always been enough to win my attention over.

      Lasting satisfaction? In short, No. To expand: there are many things I am good at, many things I am getting better at, and also many things I could vastly improve on. I invest myself too much emotionally in the people I think have the same view of life as I do. This is not always a positive thing. “Don’t reveal your crazy all at once.”

      I have had many mantras to help me get through tough situations I experience in my life.
      “Gym until someone loves you, even if that someone is yourself.”
      “It doesn’t matter who you love, no one is ever going to love you back.”
      “There is no justice. There is just us.”

      All of these were to instill a sense of grounding to my sometimes inflated ego.

      I’ve forgotten once again where I was going with this particular train of thought.

      Most times women are predictable. The times when they’re not, and they make you feel when you’ve promised yourself you wouldn’t, those are the women I strive for.

      • Are you still studying, or have you moved on to greener pastures? Any long-term career aspirations in mind?

        Also, I notice you mention quiz nights a lot in earlier posts. Have you actually met worthwhile people there, or are they simply bastions of vapidity punctuated by the rancid odour of disappointment in your fellow (wo)man?

      • I’m currently working as a scriptor, which is the most basic version of a programmer. Long term I want to finish my accounting degree. In the near future I want to stop hating myself enough to write something worth reading.

        Life isn’t long enough for me to achieve, what I feel, would be something worthwhile. Of course, the possibility exists that the odds are stacked against me, I received terrible hand, God locked my life on “hard”-mode, but in the midst of it all, I think that going out and enjoying oneself is something good to strive towards.

        “Worthwhile” is a very arbitrary way to describe how to go out. I meet people. I enjoy myself. I don’t necessarily ever talk to them again, but I like having met them. I can’t tell you if you’d enjoy it; that’s something you have to decide for yourself. Knowing that nothing you say matters is a good way to build up social skills and get rid of some types of anxiety.

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