Aandklas, pt 1: Paper plates

“Tell her,” is an unfavourable verbal game in which the perpetrator of a comment (be it negative, positive, or observant) is coerced into restating their comments to the person at whom they were directed. The other rule (one not as exciting) is that the phrase “tell her” should be said before the topic of conversation changes.

This is in part to dissuade not just misogyny, but also comments on strangers’ appearances and physical features, the denial of the challenge would induce the inflammatory phrase “pussy” to be lobbed at the member of the group.

In short: Don’t be that guy.

Is this a good way to meet new and interesting people? No, of course not. Then what is the best way? I don’t know.

What I do is to use honesty. Be honest. Say what you’re thinking. What was the last time that this worked for me? Good question.

It was outside Bohemia, the second-best bar in Stellenbosch. “It really doesn’t matter what

Reductive

Saying “I miss you” after one date is too on the nose.

She’s sweet and she kissed me. She held my hand.
“Wow, it fits perfectly,” I said. She laughed.

I haven’t been this content in about a year and a half. That of course inferring the time since I had last spoken to Madeline.

It’s been a year and a half. Surely this pain will subside soon. I don’t want to move on. I never will.

Goodnight.

-Charlton, 4 August 2026

Tis the rub

I do not listen to my body as much as I should.

I have noticed however, that when I feel the need for the sweet relief that comes from shuffling off this mortal coil that it is a good indication that I am coming down with something.

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The prayers are not working. I fear that I have fallen into the deep end of exhaustion, and I wish it were due to lack of sleep, no, it is due to lack of rest.

A type of tired that sleep won’t fix.

“I just need to finish this project,” ad infinitum.

Pray for me. Please. I beg.

-Charlton, 13 March 2026

Charlie

There are some nicknames I don’t like.

How terrible it is to share your innermost vulnerabilities and have them used against you when you fall out.

There are some names I don’t mind. Most of them I don’t even realize are nicknames until I think about it. I have grown accustomed to not thinking about things. There are too many things, and there is too little me.

“I’ll rest when I finish this project,” but

Dead

Zipsid – A drug that makes my thoughts quiet when taken at half the recommended dose.

The first therapist I had said that I don’t always need to say something to fill the silence. My second therapist said that emotions lead to thoughts lead to actions. It’s easy to think yourself into a bad mood and then make it everyone’s problem.

Alive

All essays for the previous year can be disregarded. Heaven knows that I will be pretending that they don’t exist. Why on earth would you be hung up on someone who didn’t think about you once?

And yet…

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If the next chapter of my life were penned it might be titled “The Pause Where Everything Is Honest”. It might also be titled, “I lied. I’m not getting better”.

I still have to reread the works of one of my favourite writers, David Thorne. Whenever I write longform essays I enjoy applying his satirical style. No style is necessary if one doesn’t write.

I might just need to redo all names on this website as well. “I don’t read. Reading is for losers.

Twenty Eight

It is no secret that I am not okay. After each day that I get my thoughts and emotions under control, a new day sucker punches me with thoughts of “what if”. This story is not about her. It is about me.

And this blog always has been about me. Thirteen years I’ve kept this alive, and two years for a different one. Every few months I pen down my innermost thoughts (those I deem relevant and placated enough for the public to view). Have I really not changed in the last ten years?

Madeline: XI

I smiled yesterday.
I solved a difficult problem I was having at work, and I smiled. I felt like I had accomplished something. I felt as if I made progress. Then I thought of her.

I always think of her when I smile. I loved to see her smile. I loved to hear her smile. She had the loudest smiles. I could always tell when her face grew one.

I am still not okay.

I nearly cried when I got to the office this morning.

Madeline: X

Every day when I come home from work, I wish to see her lying in my bed.
Every day I am disappointed that I come home to an empty one.

“She broke your heart once, and you broke your own every day since.”

I miss her. More and more each passing moment.

I don’t think that I will ever find someone like her again. I will

Madeline: IX

“The best way to get over someone is to get under someone else.”
Terrible advice. Zero stars. Someone kissed me yesterday and I nearly vomited.

I can’t get over her. I’m not sure if I want to. I am selfish, and I hate myself for it. I hate myself for trying to move on so fast. I hate myself for eating. I hate myself for sleeping in and taking naps during the day. I hate myself for never being on time to events. I hate myself for not being more social. I hate myself for losing her, for not loving her enough.

I ordered flowers for her at the beginning of January to be delivered somewhere early February. This was when I thought that we would still work things out. That clearly didn’t happen.

I forgot to cancel the order when she told me that she had moved on. It’s fine. She deserves flowers. She told me that she was happy, and to leave her alone.

Good. It’s good that she’s happy.

Madeline: VIII

I have taken half a sleeping pill. They are still the only way that I can fall asleep without the constant buzzing of thoughts. I can’t help but think about this. It makes me sick to my stomach. I can’t even look at food anymore. All I see is the man I could have become being disappointed in my lack of self-control. I am a failure, and I plan on moving away from that. Change takes time. I just wish she could know that; that she would believe that. I miss her. I miss her so, so much.

The race to finish this essay before I stop being in control of my thoughts has begun. And so will I. Let us commence.